Equality of the sexes

Physically there are obvious differences and to ignore them or pretend they don’t exist is perverse. We’ll put those to one side for now and just concentrate on the heart and mind.

Imagine if we could settle the argument once and for all?

Men and women are emotionally and mentally exactly equal.

How would we explain the different mindsets we experience?

Maybe it’s all about perception? 

We perceive there to be a difference so while as adults in our work lives we expect absolute gender equality. In our home lives boys are brought up to behave one way and girls are brought up to behave another. In our intimate adult relationships males stereotypically use ambivalence to commitment and children as a bargaining tool, while women use their feminine whiles and sex to bargain with.

But not all of us behave like that, only those of us who were brought up to behave like gender stereotypes. So if your partner has been taught these power rules and you haven’t you will either work out a way to get equality or you will end up depressed as you try to please the one with the power to make you happy by giving you what you want – commitment/children/sex.

While you are in the relationship your brain is fogged  as you try to please to the detriment of your true self and blame your partners sexist behaviour on yourself. Emotional abuse causes depression which causes more emotional abuse as the one with the power loses respect and interest in the depressed personality of their once witty, intelligent, reasonable partner.

Love isn’t just a feeling like anger, jealousy, pride. Love is a feeling like hunger or thirst, if it goes unmet we cannot concentrate or behave rationally.

The only way forward is to have a break and get counselling so the abusive partner realises their behaviour is wrong and the abused regains their joie de vivre and learns not to allow themselves to be bullied.

The only way forward is to accept love is unconditional and all humans are worthy of love and using love or denial of love (seen by women as commitment and men as sex) as a power tool is emotionally abusive and wrong.

The only way to live happily and well in life is to accept absolute equality in all relationships. That way nobody can bully you and you will never be bullied. You must not harden your heart to protect yourself, burying your feelings and living without emotion. Instead allow your heart to become fully mature and open as you accept bad behaviour exists, you have felt pain, but you don’t deserve it so can let it go and forgive.

The only way to be equal is to behave like a good human. Banish ideas that bad human behaviours are due to gender or due to you deserving the bad behaviour or justified because that’s how you were brought up.

Bad behaviours spring from a selfish heart – arrogance, pride, anger. (being selfish is a protective instinct to save our hearts from pain, but locking away your heart stops you understanding and forgiving whoever caused you pain) 

Good behaviours spring from a selfless (empathetic) heart – humility, patience, forgiveness. (being fully empathetic makes you immune to bullying or denial of love as you reflect the behaviour and wonder what is causing it rather than taking it personally – necessary for every parent)

It is usual for our brain chemistry to be at a level somewhere in between perfect selfishness and perfect selflessness, the aim of life is to remove all selfish desires and use empathy to protect yourself and understand others.

Men and women are equally able to behave badly and equally able to behave well. 

It all comes down to choice. (and chemistry, but we can control our own chemistry if we have faith in ourselves and absolute trust that everything will work out in the end)

I believe I can prove scientifically that men and women are mentally and emotionally equal. Results due 31st March. 

Fingers crossed…

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Behaviour Vs Personality

From childhood we have all been taught how to behave. I always thought everyone was taught the same as me, but I have recently learnt that there are 2 totally different ways (more than 2 I know, but at their extreme ends there are 2 key schools of thought) of managing children’s behaviour which lead to personalities either flourishing or being suppressed.

We all want to think of ourselves as rational and reasonable, but we all know that when it comes to family relationships we can all be irrational and unreasonable at times.

Being rational is about being fair – making choices that are good for us and don’t harm others. Being rational or not is controlled by our heart – the right side of our brain, it is about what feels right or wrong. My Pareto Criterion rule comes into play to help us make rational choices. We all know that feeling from childhood – “It’s not fair!” Do we believe that because we are being selfish? Or are our true selves being disregarded or not considered? There is a difference between having hurt feelings because we are proud, and hurt feelings because we are being emotionally abused – having our personalities suppressed.

Being reasonable is about having a reason to back up our choices. It is controlled by our left side of the brain, our logic, our mind, our knowledge of what is acceptable. It is about understanding why a choice makes sense. We know what it is like when it appears nobody understands us, or we are being told what to do by somebody without choice and we disagree with what we are being told. When someone is telling us how we should be or what we should do based on their knowledge without taking into account or even dismissing our knowledge of ourselves. My prisoners dilemma rule comes into play here – it is all about trust and responsibility. We need to be given trust and responsibility that we know what is good for us while taking advice on board.

I was brought up to trust my feelings and to know my own mind. There are loads of crossings over between feelings and thoughts and different connections in the brain, but I think it helps to think of our heart controlling our feelings and our mind controlling our thoughts.

I have worked out that the way I was brought up was the right way.

Yes, I am actually going to make that claim! I know we all want to say “Everybody’s different and what works for you…” but the truth is, there are wrong and right ways of going about things and I know we don’t want to burden parents with more guilt, but guilt is there for a reason. In fact, we will feel more or less guilty depending on how we were brought up. The trick is to bring up children who are true to themselves and understand what is them and what is just bad behaviour. We actually have to draw a line under ourselves and learn the right way, even if it is at odds with how we were brought up. Learning the right way can help us to make sense of how we were brought up and help us let go of negative feelings and negative rules that our family lives by, but don’t really make sense.

Actually guilt and shame play a massive part in the way children are brought up and in the way we see ourselves. Shame is negative as it is about feeling bad about something that can’t be changed, guilt is good as it allows us to make choices or changes that won’t harm others or ourselves. Let go of shame, allow guilt to ensure your choices don’t cause harm. If someone can make you feel ashamed of something you cannot change they can control how you see yourself and manipulate your decisions.

When it comes to behaviour, most parents know that children will only do what they want to do, rather than what the parent wants them to do. So how do you get children to want to do the right thing? In other words, make rational choices.

If you use treats or threats, you will get compliant children, but how will they ever learn what they really want in life – other than external reward and avoiding punishment? 

The only way to help children learn how to make good choices is to point out the true consequences of their actions e.g.Would you like to fall off the sofa? Then you need to stop jumping on it. Do you want to be tired and grumpy all day tomorrow? Then you need to settle down to sleep now. 

So, bringing up rational individuals is about helping them use their own conscience to guide their choices. Encouraging them to consider the consequences of their actions and use their empathy and imagination to want to do the right thing for themselves and the common good. If you allow children to choose for themselves, inevitably they will sometimes choose to do the wrong thing, that is OK, how will they ever learn if they are afraid of failure or we don’t allow them to take responsibility of their actions? Making children feel ashamed when they make a mistake or do the wrong thing is bad. Pointing out the negative consequence so they can learn not to do it again is good. Telling them they are being naughty, when they are just learning how to behave doesn’t do any good. Asking why a child did the wrong thing and pointing out how to put it right is helpful. Life is all about learning, we cannot expect children to know how to behave if we don’t teach them.

At the extreme end of teaching rational behaviour we get parents so afraid their child will always do wrong that they control their child’s behaviour at all times with treats, threats and removal of or large displays of love. It means the child doesn’t develop their own conscience to guide their choices, they always aim to please authority and never learn how to please themselves. Their true personality becomes suppressed. 

How do we teach children to be reasonable? It helps if we are reasonable. Being reasonable is about putting feelings to one side and working out the right choice based on knowledge and information.

If as parents we are more interested in bringing up well mannered children who do the right thing according to what society says is right given their gender, culture, fashion etc we are putting our feelings in the way of being reasonable. We might allow negative behaviours to go unchecked if society doesn’t understand the way children should behave and allows children to behave badly depending upon their status/gender/culture etc. 

How should children behave? Like themselves, but with negative behaviours and feelings contained.

This is when people get really irate – we want our children to be themselves, we mustn’t dictate what is right or wrong behaviour. Yes we must. Humans are animals. Good, cooperative animals who developed in family groups and who haven’t changed biologically for millenia. Good behaviours are kindness, charity, modesty, humility, patience etc. Bad behaviours are arrogance, pride, anger, impatience, jealousy etc.

So when children behave in negative ways we should help them see that their behaviour is negative by pointing out the consequences and teaching by example how to behave the right way. Stories have always been good for teaching positive behaviours and showing the consequences of negative behaviours and showing that redemption is possible.

We all have a “dark side”, there are things that make us angry and pride filled and irritated and stop us seeing others point of view. But these are negative behaviours that we can learn to let go of so that we can be more reasonable. These behaviours are just that, behaviours, they are not our personality, they can stop us from being our true selves. If as adults we are more worried about being cool, saying the “right” thing at the expense of what we truly think, then we are behaving like teenagers at school, not wanting to stand out from the crowd. We are in danger of being manipulated in our views by authorities/peer pressure.

Unfortunately, “good” behaviours are often seen as female and “bad” behaviours typically male. That is a nonsense. We are all equal and all equally able to be good humans, but if we allow negative behaviours to dominate our being we suppress our true animal selves and become socially acceptable, but have trouble in family relationships.

In our current society women don’t choose to be “good” as they believe that is sexist and men are brought up by women who believe it is normal for boys to be “bad”. So we end up in a situation where it is the trend to behave in a “bad” way.

Deep down we are all there waiting to burst out and gain freedom to our true selves, but society is suppressing our desire to be “good” as we rate “bad” behaviours as the way to achieve success, money and status.

If only we knew the truth. 

It’s there inside us all.

Or maybe we don’t want to accept the truth as we will have to admit we sold part of our souls to fit in, get rich, look better, achieve more?

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Belief Vs Science

Believing a God of fairness and reason exists gives humans a reason to be fair and equitable in their affairs.

Scientifically we know there is no such God, but do we have to stop believing just because we know there isn’t a being overseeing our decisions?

I thank our ancestors for their belief which kept them modest in their desires to save resources for their children (us).

How will our descendants judge our current society? Are we using finite resources sparingly for their benefit?

God teaches us to want less and be more. This puts the good of humanity before the selfish whims of the individual.

Science and state currently teach us we can have what we want and never mind the consequences. The more we consume the better for the economy and therefore all of us, but in a capitalist society this just leads to the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. Parents invest in their children and stockpile wealth to give them an advantage over their peers, but then that leads to a generation of idleness, or children doubting their own abilities as they have never earned for themselves. The poor are unhappy, but so are the rich.

If ever there was a time for the church to step in and sort out what really matters, it is now. Our society is seriously selfish and warped and our education system has lost the plot. Unfortunately our church leaders don’t truly understand God. They are too busy insisting he is real to accept it is the concept of a fair minded forgiving judge that is most important.

It is only with absolute empathy for all humans as exactly equal that any of us can pass judgement on the affairs of others. How do we know if our empathy is absolute or that we don’t hold some deep seated discrimination at the core of our being that stop our judgement from being perfect?

Do we believe truly that we are equal to all other humans?
Or were we brought up to believe we are superior to other humans outside our family? In conflict we assume we are right and others are wrong.
Or were we brought up to put the needs of others before our own to such an extent that we believe our needs to be inferior to those of others? In conflict we automatically look to ourselves to see what we have done wrong.

Do we believe men and women are equal? Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. If we don’t treat boys and girls as equal  we can hardly expect them to grow up believing themselves to be equal. Belief and perception are equally as important as reality when it comes to the human mind.

I only know that believing and faith allow our minds to be open to new experience and new learning from other humans. Closing our minds to an ideal of absolute Godlike empathy leads to us closing our minds to people who behave differently to our experience.

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The wrong questions

I believe all people are created equally, this means I believe I am equal to the worst criminal sitting in a prison as well as Jesus, Plato, Aristotle, Budhha, The Queen, some random Mother born millennia ago who first told the story of Adam and Eve. We’ve just had different life experiences that’s all and the only reason I’m not a criminal in prison is because I have faith in myself and in others so have managed to lead an honest life. Until this year I also believed the authorities stood for the same things as me so I would be protected from the bad behaviour of others, but now I realise that isn’t so. It appears to me that the current authorities in England believe all people are inherently bad and to blame and deserving for any bad things that happen to them. I disagree. Vehemently!

Anyway, questions…

For centuries people have been asking how we were created and where is God and atheists have been poo pooing a whole religion as they don’t believe in a God on high. But just because God isn’t in outer space and we know about Darwin’s theory of evolution it doesn’t mean the Bible stories aren’t true.

Stop thinking literally and think metaphorically.

Stop trying to pick holes and show how clever you are and just accept there was a reason for the story to be included in the Bible and try to work out the lesson it is trying to teach. I haven’t read the whole Bible. I might do one day, but if you are a pedant I am sure you can find a story that is rubbish, contradictory to the main message of love and use that to dismiss the whole book. Don’t be such a teenager. Think a bit harder about why society at that time wanted to include that story. Extract the goodness from it, if there is no goodness in the story, dismiss that story, not the whole book.

What is Adam and Eve about? If you think back to when the story was created you can get a better understanding of why it endured.

Society was much simpler then. People would have lived in family groups with everyone knowing everyone. They would have taught their children about God as being the person the adults answer to in order to keep society equal and manage resources fairly. Then when the youngsters reach puberty and get a dose of hormones/energy, they would have been able to see that it is the grown ups who are actually in charge of resources and making things fair and that leads to them being tempted to go against the rules. After all, the only person they are answerable to is themselves. They would then have used their extra dose of hormones/energy to start building their own family, or wanting to explore and gain new knowledge of how things truly work. After having a few children the Mother would begin to learn from the children and understand why the rules they adhered to as a child were necessary and why belief in a God who was fair helps the children to believe in themselves. They would then be able to relax and let go a little as they teach their children to take responsibility for themselves so they can go back to feeling carefree again and regain their innocence.

So Adam and Eve were like innocent children having responsibility free and innocent fun, protected by God (parents). Eating from the tree of knowledge is what happens when they reach puberty and work out it is the adults who are actually responsible for creation (of children) and being fair and good. This sends them out of the Garden of Eden as responsibility makes things tougher – they are forced to grow up and cut the apron strings, realising the buck stops with them. There is nobody to blame if things go wrong but themselves.

Then Cain and Abel. What’s that all about? Sibling rivalry of course and the fact that parents aren’t perfect and they have their own likes and dislikes and you should aim to use your unique talents to please yourself, not your parents. God just happens to prefer sheep to the arable offerings of Cain (have I got that the right way round? I ought to check with a bible, but I’ll let you do that, or you can just go with the general gist), but Cain cares so deeply that his offering isn’t preferred that he kills his brother. Cain is then given the choice to conquer over sin. He has committed a terrible crime through jealousy, yet instead of being struck down he is still given the option to learn how to change his behaviour.

We haven’t changed biologically since Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel. Think about how cosseted and carefree you were as a child (assuming you had a happy childhood – I hope you did), now modern society is in teenage. We are stuck in the doing phase, striving for more knowledge, building our families, our homes, trying to work more hours to afford more stuff. We are still looking for ultimate approval, a validation for our lives so that we can reach a point where we can relax and just enjoy “being” again, like a child. But it is only when we stop “doing” and look around to see the only people we are accountable to is our children that we can relax.

Children don’t care what their parents do for a living, they don’t care if they are rich or poor providing they are safe and looked after. Our children accept us as we are. As people. As the human animal we have been trying not to be as we substitute status, money, knowledge, drugs, alcohol for the feeling we miss from childhood. The feeling is still there within us. We just have to slow down and allow ourselves to just “be”. Let go of all our hang ups and insecurities, our children can’t see them. Our children judge us by our actions towards them and others, the way we make them feel, not by what we say or how much stuff we give them. Acknowledge you have insecurities and hang ups and work out how to resolve them so you don’t pass them on. Take full responsibility for your life then begin to let go and relax and teach your children how to be responsible too – use my 2 rules, they are all you need.

So basically what I’m saying is, stop wondering about God. Accept that a Mother created God to help children learn how to take responsibility for themselves and live a fair and joyful life. God is relevant to us today as we still suffer the same failings as humans millennia ago – wanting to know too much, not enjoying responsibility, but also not enjoying being told what to do by mere mortals, jealousy, seeking approval.

We are no better emotionally, mentally or physically than the first people who walked the earth, we just think we are because our society is so complicated we’ve distanced ourselves from our humanity.

So stop questioning where, what, how God and begin to understand why.

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